I just came back from the World Domination Summit in Portland. I got some insight into the positive things about putting yourself out there. Today I want to talk about talking with strangers and how that can have a positive impact on your business—-any business. One reason I am doing this episode is that I get lots of emails asking about scripts. I get questions about—oh man–how am I going to build a successful business if I am introvert? We all know that by engaging with as many people as possible it will grow our list–it will provide an opportunity to make more connections but, did you know it will make you happier?
I want to show you why it will make you happier and give you some tips for being better at it. At the conference I talked with hundreds of people—some conversations went great others—not so much but, overall—-I met some new friends, got some new ideas for how to improve this show and I was generally happy the whole weekend.
One of the more unexpected changes I discovered upon becoming a parent is how much more you end up talking with strangers. This is in part because strangers are more likely to approach you when you have a youngster with you, and in part because kids are great icebreakers.
My 6-year-old son, Blake, has zero trepidation about approaching and chatting up strangers. If we didn’t stop him, he would probably happily walk off with another family.
In fact, recent social science research suggests we might all be happier if we had a toddler to break the ice with more strangers. Two Chicago behavioral scientists, Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder, have found that people who talk with strangers are actually happier than those who keep to themselves.
The researchers approached commuters in a Chicago area train station and asked them to break the usual “rules” of communication in public places. One group of commuters was asked to talk to the stranger who sat down next to them on the train that morning. A second group was told to follow standard commuter norms, keeping to themselves. A third group received no instructions.
At the end of the train ride, the researchers asked the sets of commuters a simple question: were they happier, or less happy, when they had to chat up their seatmates?
Perhaps surprisingly, the group of commuters who talked to a stranger turned out to report greater happiness than the other groups.
The interesting discovery is how the reality was so out of sync with the commuters’ own predictions. When Epley and Schroeder asked the commuters in advance to predict how they would feel after talking to a stranger, the commuters thought they would be happier if they remained silent. The opposite proved true.
“Our daily lives are guided by inferences about what others think, believe, feel and want,” writes Epley in Mindwise: How We Understand What Others Think, Believe, Feel and Want. The problem is, our inferences are often wrong. And it turns out we’d all be happier if we just talked to one another. The reason? When we talk to strangers, we’re motivated to show them a happy, friendly version of ourselves The way you act changes how you feel – by acting you become! In other words, if you’re in a grumpy mood, but turn on the warmth while talking to a stranger, you’ll start actually feeling a lot better. Interacting with strangers is a great way to lift your mood.
Heres what I challenged myself to do last weekend at the conference. I would seek out opportunities to chat up strangers in public places. I didn’t roam around public parks and Greyhound bus stations accosting every stranger I met, but I determined I would try to set the stage for more interactions with new people. For example, when given the chance to sit in a public place either by myself or in shared seating, I would opt for shared seating and look for opportunities to speak to my seatmate.
I won’t bore you with a detailed rundown of every interaction during the last weekend at WDS, but I will share below a few examples of typical experiences during the time I spent there.
I also share a few things I learned which you can use to become more proficient at talking with strangers. I documented some of my interactions.
Friday at the hotel. I encounter a man sitting on the side of the hotel pool as I am about to take a swim. He has a small white dog that I pet—-I love dogs and we start talking. It turns out he’s visiting the area with his family from Chicago. I tell him what I know about the community—which is Portland. I tell him what restaurants that ive tried and love as well as, whats happening this weekend—World Cup was happening by the way. He’s appreciative of my advice about restaurants and an update on where to watch the World Cup—there was a giant outdoor screen at Pioneer Square
How I Felt: The interaction makes me feel useful and valuable. His son was a World Cup fanatic and they now have a place to spend some time together watching the game.
At the airport, I am at the airport having lunch—because I got bumped twice on Friday. I see a man is wearing a t-shirt that says “Coastal Maine Botanical Garden.” I consider commenting on it, as ive been to Maine and have been to that Botanical Garden but, I dont say anything
How I Felt: Afterwards, I regret I didn’t speak up. I love Maine and remain curious if the Coastal Maine Botanical Garden is close to where we have vacationed in the summers. Sure, I can Google it, but I would have liked to chat with the man about the area.
Saturday night at a party. I met a new very famous internet guy at a party. I comment on some of the things he has done to show him that I am aware of his background. He then asks me about my background. My ego kicked in a bit and I felt like I needed to put us on equal ground. So I probably spend more time than I should have telling him about myself—obviously making sure he knows about my wins—this guy was a very transparent guy and he bluntly told me that he thought I was abrasive.
How I felt: I eventually won him over and we went bar hopping with a group and he bought me a few drinks but, I definitely learned that being humble in all interactions is the best thing to do—never let your ego get out of control.
Takeaways from the conference
Overall, I felt great about most of my interactions with strangers. Almost every interaction left me feeling a little happier. I also felt like I learned new things by talking to people from different walks of life who I wouldn’t normally meet.
I didn’t have a single experience where I felt awkward, or where I felt like I bothered someone by engaging in conversation.
However, I will report a few disappointments:
On Starting a conversation.
- Even for an extrovert like me, it’s not always easy to make conversation. I consider myself to be pretty extroverted. In spite of that fact, there were plenty of times when I hesitate or miss an opportunity to make conversation because I am sometimes unsure of what to say. This may come as bad news to introverts who have a hard time making conversation with strangers to begin with, but the truth is, it’s not easy.
- Phones and digital devices are major barriers. The number one barrier I see to connecting with strangers is digital devices. There were occasions where I wanted to make conversation but if you look around nearly every person around me is on a phone or other digital device. I felt like speaking up would have been interrupting.
Here’s some good news – there is hope. Based off my experience, both extroverts and introverts can get better at creating new impromptu conversations that will hopefully lead to serendipity.
I wrote up four simple and specific tips you can use if you’ve been convinced by now that you should make more of an effort to engage in conversation with strangers.
4 Tips for Improving Your Happiness by Making Conversation with Strangers
1. Put Down Your iPhone and Other Devices
As I mentioned, phones, tablets, and e-readers are a major barrier to making conversation. So the best thing you can do is put down your own digital device to make sure you aren’t preventing others from talking to you.
Of course, I’m as guilty as anyone of whipping out my phone whenever I have to wait in line at a store, or if I’m waiting to meet a friend. But I wonder now if always being connected to our digital devices means we’re all sacrificing those chance conversations and fortuitous encounters that can make life a little more interesting. At a minimum, it’s a strong argument for taking a tech Sabbath every once in awhile.
My wife’s parents, for example, met while waiting in line to apply for a job. They are both rather introverted and I wonder if they would have even met if smartphones were in existence back then.
2. Wear a Conversation Starter
A great way to start conversations almost anywhere is to wear a piece of jewelry, pin, or article of clothing which invites conversation. This might include a particularly attractive tie, a large necklace, or an eye-grabbing bracelet or watch.
One tricky thing is to not look like a douchebag—pimping out a super expensive Rolex or Dangling your Mercedes keys out of your pocket will not get you very far. Its a fact that people take 3 seconds to determine whether they like you or not. I am one of those characters that people either love me or hate me within 30 seconds. That happened a lot over this weekend and when people determined that they didnt like me—-I had a hard time winning them over. This happened to me 3 or 4 times this weekend usually it was those conversations after 1am and I was a little loud and loose. Anyhow–
Former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright was famous for wearing brooches on her lapel that served as a way to break the ice. This was particularly important for Albright, who, as the first-ever female Secretary of State, often had to negotiate with male counterparts in a very masculine culture of international diplomacy.
The brooches were “an icebreaker, an opener,” says Albright. “It helps to have a little bit of humor.”
I hope you can appreciate the importance of wearing an icebreaker (or toting along a baby!) to help start conversations.
3. Offer a Compliment
One of the easiest openings to begin a conversation is by making a compliment. You can compliment someone on something they’re wearing, on a piece of jewelry, or on their handbag or briefcase.
After you’ve done this, you can then transition into a deeper conversation. Dr. Carol Fleming’s “Anchor, Reveal, Encourage” framework is a great way to turn a light pleasantry into a deeper conversation,
This is something I constantly do—I am genuine about it but, I look for things to compliment people on—-you can also do this with people you work with—-try and catch them doing something right and let them know what you appreciated. You will be amazed at how much goodwill you can generate.
4. Seize Your Conversation Opportunities Immediately
One final takeway I learned is if you see an opportunity to start a conversation, you need to jump on it immediately. If you don’t, you may not get another opportunity.
Lots of times I notice a short window of opportunity to start a conversation with other people in line at the grocery store. You have to jump on these opportunities immediately, because they’ll be gone before you know it and you never know what you have in common. Same college, you play the same sports, you know some of the same people. I challenge you to do this today.
Go Out and Talk with Strangers
The last piece of advice I’ll share is to just go out and try talking with strangers. What’s the worst that can happen? If you try to start up a conversation and the other person is not interested, you will likely never see them again.
The more likely result is you won’t only improve your own day, but you’ll make the person you talk to happier as well. Epley and Schroeder’s research also found that “when one person took the initiative to speak to another in a waiting room, both people reported having a more positive experience,” wrote Elizabeth Dunn and Michael Dunn in The New York Times.
Now that’s a waiting room I wouldn’t mind waiting in. I hope you enjoyed this coaching tip. If you have liked this I would appreciate you giving me a review on itunes and/or stitcher.com. Hey until next time–Im toby salgado and I personally thank you for tuning in–you can find all the show notes on the site superagentslive.com
One last thing on this topic is if you havent read or listened to Dale Carnegies “How to win friends and influence people you should—-go get your free copy at audibletrial.com/superagentslive Out
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